Again, whatever. If I wasn't taking Sudafed I'd get "AHHHH" or something.
Got the quizzes from Amanda. I just woke up a little while ago. My sister stayed home sick too, and as soon as I came downstairs she proceeded to tell me how she "totally faked it". Wow, you're so cool. Now I get to listen to talk shows all day. If I can find The Patriot I'll watch it.
Gabriel: "I'm not a child!"
Benjamin: "You're MY child!"
Oh, great movie. Seriously. It's awesome.
So I'm looking at colleges. I'm falling in love with Amherst which I shouldn't do, because there's no way I'll get in- but I can't help it! They have five a capella groups, a Chambers group, Madrigals not to mention a handful of regular choirs. Not that I'd get in, of course, but who knows?
I'm going to be totally obnoxious now and just think about how amazing this past year and a half has been for me, drama/music wise. First getting a lead in Bye Bye Birdie, then getting into Chambers. People play it down..to me, it's a big deal, especially as a sophomore (freshman?) who wasn't expecting it. Hmm, then The Man Who Came to Dinner, not a small role at all. That was so fantastic! Hit Parade, ADing Brigadoon and now Guys and Dolls at my "dream theatre". It doesn't seem so fantastic, but in comparison to what I've done before- never even getting tiny solos in middle school, not making the chorus of the school show, I didn't do the musical freshman year- I probably wouldn't have gotten in, anyway. It's such a change. My luck has been absolutely amazing.
Now I just have to work on the anal-retentive loser with no social life thing. Heh. Should I quit my job? I don't know..
This summer is going to be weird. I need to decide, now, what to do. I'll have shows until July 15, so I can't really do another show. Except I want to do Children of Eden with our county's summer school thing- they're offering musical theatre as a class. I doubt it'll actually happen (not enough interest) but if it does, fantastic. I want to learn how to drive, work more hours, volunteer at the library and church more often...we'll see.
I can't believe the show is over. Last night everyone was in tears backstage. Jon and David read these poems/stream of consciousness things they'd written at green room and it was amazing.It's awful to think that after June I'd never see some of these people again. Some of them I've gotten to know sort-of, like Kendal, who is so sweet and accepting, and Scott, who's just Scott. What can you say? He's almost never serious, but he's ready to be, and he's so much fun. Nick is so unselfconscious, it's awesome. John! I can't believe Brother John is leaving. Jessica and Jenny, who are so funny and adorable. Some people I really wish I'd gotten to know, like David, and Matt, Deborah, Lauren and everyone else...I don't know. It still hasn't really hit me yet.
The show was just about perfect, everyone loved it.
I felt guilty because the cast got me this huge card, and they all signed it (before I started acting so badly..thats why I feel guilty). Jason got me candy and Kelly! Kelly is the cutest person in the world, she got me this teddy bear and she dressed it in a kilt, and it says "Brigadoon, WHS 2002" on it. It's the most adorable thing. I also got a rose, and a kiss! Except not "real", and kind of disgusting, in fact unbearably disgusting, but thats life.
It feels so weird that the show is over. It seems like yesterday when we were auditioning, and the cast list was up and Sarah and I drove down to see it. It's weird.
The cast party was interesting. I felt really sick, so I left early. I hardly saw any paper plate awards, but I got the Brodsky's Bitch award. Well deserved. :-)
This is kind of rambling because I just woke up. I called in sick at 3 in the morning. I'm not going to school, so I don't have to worry about my stupid English essay or computer applications project! Ugh! But....
I got gifts for everyone. Heidi came with me, and I'm so glad. In the (almost) four years we've been friends, I don't think we've ever had an argument. I know I don't have to worry about her doing stupid things, that'll she'll be there to act crazy with, and that she won't stab me in the back. Not that my other friends do, but it's different. Heidi and Molly just don't care how people act, nothing is melodramatic, being with them is a slap in the face; I guess it's just like how I want high school to be.
What a nice surprise! My sister's watching TV, and I hear a somewhat familiar voice singing. Turns out it's Sutton Foster! I saw her a few years ago as Eponine in Les Miserables. Hopefully, I'll be seeing Diana Kaarina as Eponine in eight days. I say hopefully because it's a matinee, and understudies usually perform then, well thats what I've heard anyway.
Everyday I say, today I won't lose my temper, today I won't worry or care too much, but that never happens because I'm screwed up I guess. Can you think of a better reason? Don't tell me it's sleep deprivation or stress; everyone my age suffers from those things.
I'm still feeling so insecure about old issues! It's completely ridiculous. I'm in Chambers, I will be next year, and the next, I don't need to worry about it. But I still feel like I'm not good enough. I learned the Madrigals by taking them home, and working on them constantly, while pretty much everyone else just picked them up. I look at people like Sarah, and I just have this feeling of despair. I don't know. Her work ethic, her theory skills are just amazing. I depend on her, completely, to hold my part. I can't stand it. I really try my best to keep up but what can I do but fall behind? It's depressing. I wish I were really outstandingly good at something, or else really pretty, or a really good person. If I could just have something to hold onto.
I kind of go through stages. Middle school was so weird. I felt like I was still talented in certain areas. I sang at all of these assemblies and stuff, and tried out for all of the solos in chorus. I honestly felt that I had a good voice, that I could sing, and whatnot. The same thing with writing. I wrote (serious) stories, and plays (besides the porn crap, that was different) and I tried to write poetry, and they picked a poem I wrote to read at eighth grade graduation, me and three other kids. It was so different. I felt like I stood out, and had actual skills and abilities.
Now when we're all singing I want to leave because I feel like I don't deserve to be there. I love it, I just don't want to bring people down. Thats why I don't miss performing too much. I mean, no director needs another fat girl in the back row.
I'm sorry. I've already apologized to people, but again.
Everyone loses their temper, right? Don't look at me like that. It's not easy. No one's job is easy, but no one's position gives them the right to constantly yell either. I wish people understood that everything I do is because I want the show to be as amazing as it can be, and it's never personal. Absolutely never. I just want everything to be perfect.
Happy Birthday Shakespeare tomorrow. I don't think I could possibly care any less.
I need to think of things for director's presents. Any ideas?
I also ordered BTN, and I can't wait! And I ordered a used copy of If It Hadn't Been For Yun Joon, and it's a good thing too, because there are only four copies left to buy on Amazon. It's out of print. But I, I alone shall own a copy! Mwahaha!
Stupid Diaryland is down, so I can only read half of the usual blogs.
If someone is afraid of an entire group of people based on their race, isn't that racist? I believe it is. "He doesn't hate black people, he's just afraid of them." Because that makes it so much better, right? Someday..these people, who don't mean anything by their racist jokes, they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, someday someone will react, and thats it.
"Do you want to work at McDonalds when you grow up? Where they are so stupid they need to have pictures on the cash register?" -my 7th grade math teacher
I'm going to be so sad when Brigadoon is over. I put a lot into it.
I got home so late last night and didn't do any homework- oh well, I've been good about it all year, I'm taking a break today. The play last night was amazing, I really loved it. The set was classical Shakespeare- actually the whole show was that way, nothing new and different, which I kind of liked. Just hardcore Bard. I loved that the Juliet looked very young, it seemed more true to the story. Oh, and the person that played Friar is the same person that played Geoffrey on "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air"! At intermission everyone was saying things like, "The Friar looks so familiar, didn't we see him in Othello and Amy and I wanted to say, "No damnit, you saw him on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air! Don't deny that you watch that show!"
I'll save my furious post about drinking/drugs for a later time, I need to go to school.
First of all work sucked. I babysit for these girls that come in every weekend after ballet class, and their parents let them run wild all over the store, screaming. It's so annoying. The other parents glare at them, like "why the hell can't you control your children?" Amen to that. Yet they don't even try. They sit there, chuckling over sports and the economy and whathaveyou, ignoring their darling little ones.
Yeah work is long and hot, overall not fun.
Then Guys and Dolls. We worked on "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat" for the first two hours, then we did the Havana scene where I sit with this guy and pretend to be drunk. I wish I could dance, man. Anyway there's a lot of ball-changes (a dance step), and every time someone asked Jeff a question, he'd say something like "Yeah, as soon as I'm done changing my balls."
Then- Brigadoon! It was fun, except I'm stupid. I wore white and black because I thought it would look classy and sophisticated except, I looked like an usher. Aw, man. Today I'm going for the nun-look. Ask me why, I'll explain it to ye.
Then after the show, there was a cast party. I didn't go, so thank God, Jessica invited me to go out to dinner with her, Jenny and Leslie. We had the best time. We went to Burger King, and the guy behind the counter told Jenny she was sexy. We just had a lot of fun.
I did find out some things that make me extremely angry. Excuse me for using names, but these people seem to have no problems using mine. Apparently, back when Billy and Martita were dating, Martita was under the impression that I was in love with Billy. That's one thing. I had a crush on him in seventh grade, but that was three years ago, not to mention that "crushes" in middle school are so incredibly different than liking someone in high school. We're still just teenagers, but there's a big difference. Anyway- Martita, I hear, harbored this fear that I would "beat her up" because I was in love with Billy. Thats embarassing for me, and for Martita because it makes her sound like a fucking idiot. Anyone who knows me knows that I have never used physical force for anything, I'm not a bully, not to mention that I'm not in love with Billy, nor was I ever.
The entire thing sounds so melodramatic (it is!) but it's making me really upset. I have tried to be so nice and polite to Martita, even though she essentially ignores me. Yeah, we'll have polite "whats up" conversations online once or twice a week, but for all I've tried to initiate a friendship with her..you know what? I don't even want one. I've heard that she used to talk about me liking him a lot. Maybe she was just being defensive and protective, and thats fine, but it is absolutely not fine for her to make me out to be some kind of stumbling, raging monster who beats people up so I can steal their boyfriends. It's ridiculous.
Jenny, Leslie and Jessica and I had the best time. Tonight, Amy, her mom and I are going to see Romeo and Juliet which should be fun! And I won't get home until late.
There are some things about the show that annoy me, or make me angry. Something that annoys me is how the dancers claimed a dressing room for themselves, which isn't cool. Who cares, right? It's just another example of how the rules don't apply to everyone. Something that infuriates me is how at least fifty dollars were stolen from the dressing rooms last night.
I remember when I used to care so much about being friends with people like Martita, etc. I can't remember, however, why I cared.
I'm bored! I took such a long nap, I know I'm going to be up forever. Amy invited me to go see Romeo and Juliet! I'm so excited! For one thing, I haven't done anything with Amy in ages, and for another it's real theatre, and not part of a class trip.
It seems everyone has an online diary now. I don't know why I keep mine except thats it's nice to sit and type. It's relaxing. Yeah, I'm posting my life for anyone to read but I try not to put anything really personal up here. Besides I doubt some random stalker is reading this. (I mean doesn't everyone get creepy letters and see faces in the window?) Anyway here are all of the online diaries I read...
Things seem to be blowing around in my kitchen. Thank God we're getting some thunderstorms, it's been ridiculously hot lately.
Today's show went well considering the usual day show energy level, and the audience (a crowd of eighth-graders.) They just about died on lines like "If sex were a hobby, you'd be a collector's item." Classic.
After the performance, I sat with Jason and Heidi and had a great time. I laughed really loudly, and kind of twisted around; it was so refreshing to just be stupid and silly.
Air conditioning! I love it so much! Seriously I don't know what to say about it except that I almost cried when I walked in the door just now.
This weekend is insanely busy. Tomorrow I have work from seven to noon, Guys and Dolls from one to four and I have to be at Brigadoon around five; there'll probably be a cast party too. I'm taking Sunday off from work, though. I hate taking all of this time off but I really need to.
Today was such a great day. And I don't have to do anything for the next sixteen hours.
I agree with Molly about SMoB and affirmative action type issues. It's so annoying that because our school system is judged on how many kids take AP classes, we need to shove everyone into them. They're going to get easier, I suspect, because they'll have to play down to the kids who honestly don't belong there. And excellent point about the use of the word "minority". Molly is really, really cool.
Opening night went really well. The show was fantastic. Sarah Anne was so gorgeous- Kendal was as amazing as she always is, and Lauren got her high note. The guys were all great too, except some people still mix up verses of their songs! What can you do, right? I got to take attendance, take notes and then clean up the girl's dressing room (Amanda did the makeup room) which was annoying. (And I love my dress! People told me I looked nice and I don't remember hearing that before..hmm) The one really bad thing was the heat. It was unbearable. I mean, we had a fantastic audience, they laughed and cheered and not too many people left at intermission.
Today we're doing a show for middle schools, so I don't need to go to any of my classes. Thats such a good feeling.
I have something wrong with my heel, it feels like I'm stepping on a little peice of gravel but I'm not, and it really hurts. If you take ice water and put just a little bit of Minute Maid Fruit Punch in it it tastes really good.
I'm excited for Brigadoon. I just need to relax, accept things that I can't change and control. Why, during every show, do the directors or chaperones constantly tell people to be quiet? Some people will talk no matter what. Habit, I guess. It's just so few people that do things..in general the cast is amazing, dedicated, focused and whatnot, but there are just enough people that at this point in the show still do not know the dance (or choose to do it wrong for some reason) and don't know the songs (or choose not to sing for some reason).
Tonight should be fun. I'll be sitting out in the audience with Mr. B., taking notes, and I finally get to wear my beautiful black and white dress that I bought in October. I'm so excited to dress up! I never really get the chance to. And it's never a problem to decide what to wear. And I know people will forget/need/want a few things backstage so I'm going out today to do some shopping. (Black socks, hair ribbons, mints, air freshener, pins and whatnot, just to save someone an emergency trip to Giant.)
Well in ten days the Guys and Dolls cast is going to Six Flags so that should be fun. But best of all, by far- in fifteen days I'm seeing Les Miserables on Broadway! It really doesn't get much better than that.
I don't know what to say. So I'd better start talking, right cause thats how it works.
I'm sorry to everyone in the show, that I've yelled at, verbally abused, spoken to in a condescending manner. However you want to say it, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to everyone in the show that I even tried to do this, because I've pretty much failed in the most important ways. Anyone can make copies and take attendance, but you need to have something special that makes people respect you. I can't expect people to respect me now, probably not for awhile and I don't blame them.
I'm sorry that I'm even fucking here. I'm sorry that tomorrow I need to wake up. And it's not because of school, not because of rehearsal but because I don't even want to have to look outside, or breathe, talk to people, I don't want to be here anymore.
I can't stand it when people tell me I care too much, and I take things too seriously. You know what though, they're absolutely right. We're only teenagers and it's only a high school show. That means everyone should do a half-assed job, and it doesn't really matter. I guess it doesn't really matter but- shouldn't everyone always try to do the best that they can? Especially when it's something you're passionate about.
I know all of these people who want to pursue acting and singing. Some of them might make it but honestly? You have to have drive, you have to have an amazing work ethic, and frankly I only know one or two people like that. It doesn't matter how talented or how amazing you are, if you act like an asshole and joke around two days before the show you will hurt yourself immeasurably. It's not like I know anything about the professional world, but it's my guess that directors can always replace everyone. There is a hell of a lot of talent out there; why should anyone waste their time with someone who's lazy and doesn't take it seriously? It's only a high school show, it's only a high school show, but at what point exactly do these people plan on settling down? When will it start to matter?
One of the worst things about ADing is how people are starting to hate me. I know no one likes everyone, but at least before I was moderately tolerated. And every day I think to myself, don't yell at people today, just let things go, just relax.
Then, it's twenty minutes after we're supposed to start, I can't find the director, everyone is roaming around, eating, talking, using cell phones, even though they know what they're supposed to do, and something just snaps. I get this feeling of urgent desperation- if we don't get everyone settled down right now the show is going to be terrible! And I start screaming at people. I hate how I act at rehearsals, besides the fact that I'm exhausted, and there's so much to worry about.
And our director for Guys and Dolls is having us write character biographies and analysis. I'd normally love to do it, because I love things like that, I had a great time with Miss Preen, but I don't have any free time to sit and write one, let alone really think about it. I have to miss so many rehearsals these next few weeks, but the thing is as soon as Brigadoon is over I'll have enough time.
I need to learn how to say no.
When will I start to prioritize my life? The most pathetic thing..I spent about an hour last night and this morning trying to decide if I was too fat to wear a tank top. Amanda told me, "well if it's comfortable, it's fine." Which makes so much sense, in a basic, I-could-have-had-a-V-8 way.
I'm so sick of school. I value my education, I do the work, I get good grades (really, really good grades lately) but it's so boring. I feel sometimes like we're being cheated out of a decent education. Can you say teacher shortage?
I was looking through Sarah's archives and found this!
....and I think Marie is really cool. The girl has opinions and doesn't take no bullshit, and I appreciate a girl like that.
Unexpected compliments are the best! I love Sarah. She's so driven. I respect her a lot I think because she's so honest with people.
I don't know if it's better to be openly rude for the good of a cause, or to be all sugar and honey to people's faces then trash them the second they turn around.
I am so sick of the way I act, and the way other people act. It occurs to me every time I make fun of someone, every time I insult someone, that people are doing the same thing to me, probably at that same time. So I can't complain and be upset about it.
I'm so thrilled with the way things went today. I got a lot of homework done during school and breaks, and the show is really coming together.
On the other hand I was rude to Kevin. And he wasn't too polite back. I don't deserve his politeness, I know, but I felt awful for the whole rest of the night. I have this hunch he's never liked me. He's our choreographer. What can you do, right?
I know that all I can do is try to calm down- when I get upset, I need to go outside and think. I need to stop constantly crying.
I think about Ian dying every time I watch the funeral scene and I get hysterical, and I need to leave. It's awful. I think about it every day more and more, I can't stop.
I'm just so unhappy. I'm not sure why. I decided not to try and do homework tonight. I left my biology book at school, just so I wouldn't feel guilty. I came here mostly just so I could talk to Andy. He keeps me sane. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him to talk to.
I promised myself I wouldn't wear shorts until I lost weight, but it was so damn hot today!
I like to think that I'm doing a good job, with the show. And people will always tell me, to my face that I'm doing a great job. I wish I could read people's minds.
I'm too bossy and controlling. I think I'm more intelligent than everybody else. I think I'm better and different from everybody else when I'm just the same. I'm fake. I'm loud. I'm obnoxious, I'm rude. I stab people in the back. I cheat. I take things for granted. I rush. I procrastinate. I'm melodramatic. I'm tired.
A few months ago- I'm not too busy. School, babysitting- oh wait, the spring musical! Yeah I really want to be involved somehow, maybe I'll do props! No, let's choose the position with the most possible stress and work involved- I'll be the Assistant Director!
A few weeks later. I'm really not busy enough, you know? Why don't I get a part-time job! How about one that I know will conflict with the play, and forces me to wake up no later than six a.m. every single morning!
A few more weeks later. You know, I'm pretty busy with school, the play and a job. How about I try out for another play! Oh my goodness, I got in! Thats so fantastic! And I'm so glad I chose a theatre group in another town, with people I don't know who are all pretty much older than me, who won't be interested in talking to a stupid high-school girl! Fantastic!
Then, on top of that, I kind of miss volunteering for Young Democrats..why don't I call them up and see if they need anyone to stuff envelopes...
And hey, I kind of miss teaching Sunday School too, I need to give the Youth Ministries Director a call...
Because I'm such a total loser.
I wonder why I don't have a social life? Besides my height, my outrageously repungent personality and way too many things to list..because, I'm an idiot!
Ehh I'm just being bitter and resentful. Of myself, actually. Thats the best possible way to be. Someone leave me some comments please.
Well today I spent an entire paycheck, horrible, I know.
I got this gorgeous pink and red flowered dress, on sale of course. Everything always on sale. Oh, and um nothing name brand. Ragh. I got two white, and one navy, cardigan. What? I know, it's random! I got black flats which are supposedly coming back in style, or something. I got a tan coat which was so ridiculously cheap that I had to get it. I also got the Mulan soundtrack and the Aladdin soundtrack. Hooray!
Tonight my mom is taking me (and probably Amy) to see Oklahoma at QO. I'd love to go and just watch but there's this program where high school students review other high school plays, and I apparently need to go early and meet with the other writers (or something) and dress nicely, and take notes and whatnot. I need to learn how to say no.
They finally voted Rob off of Survivor! Finally! He was such an asshole. It's sad though, every time I had a favorite person (Peter, on the first episode) he got voted off. Then Hunter, then Gabriel, and Gina. Everyone I love is gone. And it's not that I pick bad people, I swear! Hunter and Gina were the best true survivors, if you look at it objectively. Peter was funny and Gabe was adorable.
Well Zia phrases things very well. I won't echo him, but I pretty much agree with everything show-related.
I'm going shopping right afterschool, for some nice clothes, seeing as I own none. Then tonight my mom and I are seeing "Oklahoma" at QO which should be a lot of fun. Apparently I'm writing a review of it, that just might end up in the Washington Post..that would be interesting!
Driving is cool! Nick let me steer once. Heidi drove me to rehearsal, and the car ride with Scott, Jessica and Allison was just insane. Apparently I'm turning a bit too sassy...
Scott: Marie, you put the "ass" in "sassy".
Marie: Well you put the "fucking" in "fucking annoying!"
Oh, man. And apparently I "put it down like woa" at rehearsal which is nice. I'm trying to remember the times when I wasn't assertive..and I'm coming up blank.
I love Mr. Brodsky. He knows what he's doing, he's understanding, he's brilliant, and he's funny. It's so refreshing to be with a director with some experiance. I mean after Jason? It's like the two biggest extremes ever. And again, hell yeah, if I could I would AD more shows, every show until I graduate! I love it! I mean, the same people end up getting leads over and over, and the same person is always stage manager. I'm so fucking conceited!
I can say without the slightest hesitation that The Triumph of Katie Bryne is the worst book I have ever read in my entire life. I find it hard to believe, as well, that there will ever be a book written that equals this.
The characters are so unbelievable. None of them have any emotional layers. Any "secrets" they might have involve dead relatives. They are all one-dimensional and their dialogue is so unrealistic. Case in point: would a nineteen year old boy ever call his seventeen year old sister "honey" in a serious way? I just can't see it. Maybe it's me.
She is described in the summary as a "struggling actress". However, a few chapters into the book we discover that she has turned down two Broadway roles. Major roles, for minor reasons- she was too young, she didn't feel secure. Would a struggling actress turn down a lead in a Broadway show? A few chapters after that, we find that she had the ingenue lead in an off-Broadway show (The Lion in Winter). Um...
Here, she ponders the challenges of accepting a new role...
To play the part of Emily, Katie knew she must truly understand her character and personality; if she were to succeed in the role, she had to be fully aware of Emily's motivations, intentions, passions, desires and even her dreams.
Excuse me- even middle school actors do that. Does this even need to be mentioned? They insinuate that this is new and challenging. Oh, goodness.
Just- just read it for yourself. It's terrible.
The plot is probably the worst. The book is divided into three parts.
Part one: Katie and her two friends dream of being actresses and whatnot when they're in high school. One night, her friends are both brutally attacked. One is murdered and one is beaten into a coma. The painfully Irish police officer in charge of the case decides out of nowhere that the attack has to be from "a local". They also constantly refer to the attacker as "the perp" which is so annoying. The deduct that he must be strong, tall, brown haired and enjoy cashmere. (They found some cashmere on the victim. Yeah, I know.) They also decide that this is not a random act of violence but a completely planned attack, by a stalker, who is now probably stalking Katie.
Part two: Ten years later. Katie is a "struggling actress" attending drama school in London. We don't really know why. She's offered the second female lead in a new Broadway show, and accepts. Meanwhile her friend is still in a coma and the "perp" is on the loose. Katie goes with a friend to spend the weekend in the country, and researches her role. (If this sounds like barely any content, thats accurate. The plot rambles all over the place, going on a 50 page tangent about the family they stay with in the country, and their relationships. It does not pertain in any way to the story.)
Part three: Back in New York! Katie is rehearsing for her role when she meets a dashing young man who seems a little obsessed with her. They fall in love, her play opens and she's amazing. Her friend comes out of her coma- after ten years- ten long, long years- and identifies the killer!
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Oh, man this is so obvious! It's going to be Katie's new boyfriend!" That would make the story slightly interesting.
But it's not. The killer is a random boy, who attended the girl's high school. The DNA matches up. Katie marries Chris and is a big star. The end.
There are some things that are so unbelievably random. When Comotose Carly wakes up, and croaks out the name of "the perp", Katie remembers not only who this man is, but where his family lived, and that they were rich. She also recalls what he looks like, and that he was popular. How convienient that this information clung to her for ten years.
Go read it for yourself. I can't even explain how bad it is.
"I'm crazy for tryin', and crazy for cryin'
And I'm crazy for lovin' you." - Crazy
Crying is a completely normal human emotion. So don't you dare try to make me feel bad, or stupid or crazy for being a little emotional, all right?
This day has been awful. Rehearsal was painful. He let us out early but now I'm just home. I feel like I'm in a cage. I keep pacing and pacing back and forth with nothing to do but wait. And, I don't know what I'm waiting for. If I go outside I feel like somethings watching me or chasing me, so I get scared and I come home. I guess I am crazy then.
I'm also an idiot. I don't know what I'm doing or what I want. I'm setting myself so far apart from everyone else and I don't trust anyone. Well thats not really true. I trust Andy. But other than that, the people I trust the most..I don't want to share my problems and fears with them because I don't think they'll understand me. I trust Andy, though. And then I cry and he says I'm crazy.
To give you an idea about Brigadoon here's a quote from Amanda's page.
"Brigadoon's coming along nicely. Marie does a very nice job at threatening everyone about not being intoxicated or having any illegal substances in their person on the nights of the show."
Damn straight. We have a show on April 20. Dear God. We have way too many people who plan on celebrating that particular holiday. I'd wanted to mention it because I heard rumors not to mention that people have come to rehearsal intoxicated, and last show, people on crew smoked up during a show. God, that was terrifying, sitting backstage and praying that none of the adults would smell it. Goodness. I wanted to say it without actually referring to it. Impossible?
"We have a show on April 20. If anyone comes to the show in a manner which prevents you from performing to the best of your ability, I will slap you- and then make sure you get suspended."
See the people that didn't know what I was talking about are most likely not a problem. The people that understood, either will anyway, or they're too experianced to try to pull it. Hopefully they'll all just wait till they get home. Goodness.
Then I got to go and play "lady with cigarette" for 2 1/2 hours. Unfortunately, the "man with lighter" wasn't there so it involved sitting on a bench and "smoking" alone for quite awhile. Still it was fun. (Rehearsing, not smoking! God I'm turning into Miss Just-Say-No!)
An amusing BTN (Bad Teen Novel) is just amusing. A serious BTN is pathetic. But there is nothing- absolutely nothing- more pathetic than a BAN (Bad Adult Novel). That's all.
So now I'm at home. We had a half-day and I have to be back at school in two hours. I'm excited, though, we're making a donut stop (Dominique, Heidi and I) and I've been thinking about what kind of donut to get all day. I'm starting to love them! It's making my job so much harder!
I love all of the madrigal music we're doing now. "Sing We and Chant It" doesn't sound too bad, "Animal Improvisation" is just bizzare and "Can't Buy Me Love" is the coolest song ever! "Sing Me To Heaven" actually..it's the most beautiful song I've ever heard. I wish we could sing it every day all the time. It's amazing. And it's easy musically. The only tough part is the expression.
I love Jesus Christ Superstar. Go buy it right now. Religion has become such a huge part of my life. I don't understand how I grew up such a cynic, without it. It's so comforting to think that yes, someone is watching out for you, and someone will take care of you, and everything is part of a plan. It doesn't explain bad things in the world..but people do that, not God. If everyone was like Jesus the world would be absolutely amazing.
I've been thinking. ("A dangerous pastime, I know." -Beauty and the Beast) What have I actually done for Brigadoon? I've done a lot, and spent a good amount of time on it, but it still feels like I can't really put my finger on specific things. Mostly the secretarial things that I seem to be quite skilled at. (Taking attendance, making copies, running and getting things..I'm so talented it's not even funny.)
As Amy puts it, "we are screwed." I've never been involved with a show that was so last minute. A few leads are still missing lines, the chorus still doesn't know some of the words. (Not everyone mind you, but just enough people so it sucks.) It's one thing if the sets aren't finished, or the dancing isn't polished, because those things are different, but everyone has had copies of the words to the songs since January and there is absolutely no excuse for not knowing the music. Hmph. Not to mention..oh well. The show will go on. Also we don't have any understudies which could be a serious issue.
I'm so thrilled for Guys and Dolls. Yeah, I know. My friends will come see it, and think..wait where is Marie? I'm in two songs and three or four scenes. The thing is, if I had been in the chorus for Brigadoon I would have had the same amount of stage time, only probably less, and the cast would be tripled.
"Whats playing at the Roxy? I'll tell you whats playing at the Roxy! A picture about a Minnesota man, so in love with a Mississippi girl, that he moved all the way to Biloxi! That's whats playing at the Roxy!" -Guys and Dolls
Reading is so much better than watching TV. Except if it's Survivor or Boston Public, or if the book really sucks. There are so few people who actually read real books anymore. It's depressing. This girl I know, who is in an honor's English class, complains about how much she hates reading, all the time. I say she hasn't found the right book yet.
I really dislike the word "crush" and all of it's implications. I was thinking about what Becky said and I realized..hell, yes, we do live in entirely different worlds. Somehow. Drinking, sex, pot, whatever, it's all so damn far away from where I am right now. I'm glad in a way, it makes it easier, but honestly. I can't explain this well either. It makes me..extremely sad..to see how many people my age are taking so many horrible risks.
Spring break is over! Everybody come see Brigadoon.
I don't think we live in two different worlds. Actually, we live in the exact same one. We just do different things with what we have. Hmm. I can't explain this very well. So I think I'll stop trying and leave the heavy thinking to the English department.
Sarah: I'll have a milkshake, please.
Sky: Make that a Dulce de Leche.
Waiter: Yes, sir!
Sarah: Whats in it- besides milk?
Sky: Coconut, and, uh, some native flavoring.
Sarah: Whats the name of the flavoring?
Sarah: Mhmm, this is delicious! I think I'll have another! What did you say it was called?
Sky: Dulce de Leche.
Sarah: You know, this would be a wonderful way to get children to drink milk!
Today was so cool. Again I went to do crew stuff, and after doing two days I can honestly say it's more fun than any cast-related shit. It's awesome. I can't wait for next year when I can do it for real. It was just Manpreet, Jon, Dave, Avi, Allison and me today and we painted and built. It was fantastic. Hammering is a whole lot of fun.
Well for Guys and Dolls they're planning a huge cast trip to Six Flags...
1. I'm not into amusement parks but whatever, right? Except...
2. I work that day. And, I'm already missing half of April because of Brigadoon. Oh, shit, Brigadoon....
3. Closes the day before. I'll be double-exhausted and have tons of homework to make up.
The logical solution? Miss work to sleep in and do homework. I have to leave at least three Brigadoon rehearsals early, skip at least one Guys and Dolls rehearsal, and I'm missing about a month of work. Damn, this really sucks, except I'm lying because it doesn't suck in the slightest. I don't make any sense. I have five donuts in my cabinet and thats fucking awesome.
You can't beat old Broadway. The classic musical is amazing. They're so innocent- yet handle some real issues, at least for the time they were written. The music is just so sweet and innocent! How can you not love it? They just make you feel so good. So this is pretty random but some good old-time musicals that you can't help but love...
Of course, Guys and Dolls. The lyrics and music are really addictive, especially "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat" or "If I Were a Bell". The original movie stars Frank Sinatra, so it should be fantastic. The CD I have is the new cast recording from the 1992 Broadway revival. Like all of the old musicals it has two love stories, with an older couple and a younger couple. The basic storyline involves a group of gamblers and showgirls, and missionaries. Nathan, the owner of a "floating crap game" (it's location changes every night so the police can't find it) has been engaged to Adelaide (a showgirl) for fourteen years. Sky Masterson, a gambler has a bet that he can't get missonary Sarah Brown to Cuba for dinner, and of course they fall in love, and madness ensues! Really, it's the cutest show ever. It's so romantic and funny. The music is absolutely fantastic especially on the revival recording. (Come see the production I'm in now.)
Then a show thats oddly similar, Anything Goes. Enough said. That is probably one of the funniest shows ever. Buy the music now. Seriously there are so many older shows that are fantastic, just go and rent a bunch of Rodgers and Hammerstein and stuff. Go see shows that other schools are doing, we always do old shows that are great.
I figured out why so many customers seem elderly and polite on weekdays, when all of the businesspeople come in for coffee breaks. Want to know my theory?
All of the young, hip, trendy people go to the Starbucks across the street.
Ah, yes. Starbucks. Look at me, I'm young and hip. I've been there probably three times (twice with Sarah, once with Meredith.) It's ridiculous. Mocha fraps. I'm too cool to write the entire word! Tru dat, tru dat.
I understand why crew is so much fun, and I'm almost looking forward to not getting into the fall show- so I can do crew. Today I (tried) to help paint and stuff. I ended up making more of a mess than helping, but it was extremely fantastic to have that feeling of tangible accomplishment. As Christine puts it, "It's easier to say, ok, I need to paint these rocks, then to say, alright I need to develop a motive for this character."
Image sucks. Everyone is so worried about how they appear. Even people who constantly go out of their way to show how non-comforming they are..yeah. Straightening your hair everyday; thats an image thing. Kind of like how people who joke about being poor when it's lunchtime at school can buy a venti mocha frap. Every. Single. Damn. Day. How can you afford to go to Starbucks so often?
What do I have against Starbucks? It seems like a whole subculture of people. I can't explain it. People thanking Starbucks in their cast bios. "It's like, you know."
I just can't put it into words.
Just somewhere along the line it became so cool to be different, so cool to be a dork. Everyone is alarmingly similar. I am pretty much like everyone else. I'm not trying to be me, I'm not even worried about who I am. I'm just kind of hanging out here. It's cool. I'm not trying to figure out who I am. Frankly I don't care.
Today was so fantastic! Christine came over and we took the bus to Subway and had a really good lunch, and we walked around. We also got a free donut! When she didn't ring it up, and just waved, I was thinking "damn I should have asked for more." But, it was quite satisfying. Strawberry frosted with sprinkles are the best, second only to Boston kreme. Speaking of which...
I have to work tomorrow morning, and I'm babysitting tonight, and I have rehearsal tomorrow afternoon! It will be miserable, yet lucrative. Like so much in life.
I know you have a peep in your house. Don't lie to me. You know there are several yellow marshmallow baby chickens somewhere in your residence. Go get one, put it on a plate, and microwave it. I promise, it will enrich your life. Just watch carefully.
You know, for everyone in the show that complains about the freshman? Shut the hell up. Sure, there are some freshman who don't really care and don't know what they're doing. But there are more sophomores and juniors than there are freshman who are like that. So, yeah, some people are clueless but the freshman as a whole are fantastic. We were freshman once, too.
Well I added a little comments thing under each post, taken from Heidi. So now there are tons of places for people to talk to me. All three of you who read this. Hmm.
Tea is like the best drink because you can have it hot, and cold. And you can add so much different crap to it. Sugar, milk, lemon, honey (though not all at the same time.) Not much you can do to Diet Pepsi.
I'm not the youngest, but most definitely the shyest. And I'm not shy, I just don't know anybody and was too scared to actually smile or make eye contact. And then there were the stilt jokes. Oh my god- wait, what?! You mean I'm- *gasp*- taller than the average teenage girl? Oh my god! What creative and original humor people have.
This is absolutely ridiculous. I'm more nervous about the rehearsal than the audition. Hell, I was fine for the audition! I wasn't worried about it at all! But I spent all of today pacing, deciding on clothes, worrying about rides, worrying about hair, worrying about basically everything. I'm going to be all alone the entire time because I'm younger, and they probably won't even notice me except to think how tall and stupid I am.....
Why am I complaining and speculating about random shit? God! I wanted this so badly and now I have it. I'll make friends, I always do. I'll have fun and I'll learn, I just need to get through the next hour. Once I'm there I'll be fine.
I've never tried out for a show without knowing the material. Even with Once on this Island I bought the CD as soon as the auditions were announced. I know a few random songs from Guys and Dolls but none that I'm in, I know the bare-bones plot they have online and thats it. Well, then it's a real learning experiance.
Personally I think this is wrong. The internet blurs so many lines sometimes.
This is really sad, too. It's ridiculous how much teenagers are drinking. Whenever it comes up in conversations, I get all sorts of responses, from "I mean, come on, we're teenagers" to "You really don't understand it enough to talk about it." We're teenagers? For one thing, yes of course we are, making it illegal, which is one of the many reasons not to do it. Second of all, not all teenagers drink, there are still a few of us who value life. And no, I don't understand underage drinking. I do, however, understand the dangers and risks involved, so actually I can talk about it, thanks. If you need to relax, if you need to get things off of your mind, do yoga, go for a walk, read a book, talk to a friend. There are hundreds of ways to have fun without drinking. I was talking to someone a few days ago, and said "You know, if I drank, I'd probably be more accepted." He said "Yeah, but would you be happy?"
I really liked this last one, but I couldn't link to it, so here it is, from the March 18 Time magazine.
The Case for Profiling
Why random searches of airline travelers are a useless charade
BY CHARLES KRAUTHAMMER
The latest airport-security scandal is the groping of female flight attendants and passengers during patdowns. Not to worry. The Transportation Security Administration chief is right on it. "We're going to fix that right away," he said recently, announcing the appointment of an ombudsman.
A nice bureaucratic Band-Aid. No one, however, asks the obvious question: Why are we patting down flight attendants in the first place? Why, for that matter, are we conducting body searches of any female passengers?
Random passenger checks at airports are completely useless. We've all been there in the waiting lounge, rolling our eyes in disbelief as the 80-year-old Irish nun, the Hispanic mother of two, the Japanese-American businessman, the House committee chairman with the titanium hip are randomly chosen and subjected to head-to-toe searching for...what?
Not for security--these people are hardly candidates for suicide terrorism--but for political correctness. We are engaged in a daily and ostentatious rehearsal of the officially sanctioned proposition that suicide terrorists come from anywhere, without regard to gender, ethnicity, age or religious affiliation.
That is not true, and we know it. Random searches are a ridiculous charade, a charade that not only gives a false sense of security but, in fact, diminishes security because it wastes so much time and effort on people who are obviously no threat.
Everyone now has his nail-clipper, tweezers or X-rayed-shoe story. Can-you-top-this tales of luggage and body searches have become a staple of cocktail chatter. Yet citizens would willingly subject themselves to delay, inconvenience and even indignity if they felt what they were undergoing was actually improving airport security. Since Sept. 11, subjecting oneself to security indignities has been a civic duty. But this has become a parody of civic duty. Random searches are being done purely to defend against the charge of racial profiling.
Imagine that Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols had not been acting alone but had instead been part of a vast right-wing, antigovernment, terrorist militia with an ideology, a network and a commitment to carrying out attacks throughout America. Would there have been any objection to singling out young white men for special scrutiny at airports and other public places? Of course not. And if instead, in response to the threat posed by the McVeigh Underground, airport security began pulling young black men or elderly Asian women out of airport lines for full-body searches, would we not all loudly say that this is an outrage and an absurdity?
As it happens, the suicide bombers who attacked us on Sept. 11 were not McVeigh Underground. They were al-Qaeda: young, Islamic, Arab and male. That is not a stereotype. That is a fact. And there is no hiding from it, as there is no hiding from the next al-Qaeda suicide bomber. He has to be found and stopped. And you don't find him by strip searching female flight attendants or 80-year-old Irish nuns.
This is not to say your plane could not be brought down by a suicide bomber of another sort. It could. It could also be brought down by a meteorite. Or by a Stinger missile fired by Vermont dairymen in armed rebellion. These are all possible. But because they are rather improbable, we do not alter our daily lives to defend against the possibility.
True, shoe bomber Richard Reid, while young and Islamic and male, was not Arab. No system will catch everyone. But our current system is designed to catch no one because we are spending 90% of our time scrutinizing people everyone knows are no threat. Jesse Jackson once famously lamented how he felt when he would "walk down the street and hear footsteps and start thinking about robbery--then look around and see somebody white and feel relieved." Jackson is no racist. He was not passing judgment on his own ethnicity. He was simply reacting to probabilities. He would rather not. We all would rather not make any calculations based on ethnicity, religion, gender or physical characteristics--except that on airplanes our lives are at stake.
The pool of suicide bombers is not large. To pretend that it is universal is absurd. Airport security is not permitted to "racially" profile, but every passenger--white or black, male or female, Muslim or Christian--does. We scan the waiting room, scrutinizing other passengers not just for nervousness and shiftiness but also for the demographic characteristics of al-Qaeda. We do it privately. We do it quietly. But we do it. Airport officials, however, may not. This is crazy. So crazy that it is only a matter of time before the public finally demands that our first priority be real security, not political appearances--and puts an end to this charade.