holy dark but you don't really care for music- do you?
I should be asleep but I can't. I'm used to staying up so late, regardless of when I have to drag myself out of bed (which for the past five months has been, consistently, 6 am) but I just lie there and stare blankly at the wall and things just rush through my head.
Like in two weeks from tonight, the show opens. I'll be onstage again, for real. It's going to be amazing. And that means in about seven weeks the show will be over. I heard theres cast parties every night and stuff, like everyone takes a turn. I doubt I'll make it to any of them because of rides, you know? I can't ask my mom to come pick me up at three am outside some house in fucking Germantown with drunk people stumbling all over the place.
Damn I need to get my permit but everything has taken a backseat to my grandpa's being sick and stuff. So I really don't know. I start taking driving classes in about three weeks. I had my summer work schedule but we're getting new management so I don't know if everything'll get screwed up. I mean I like working and stuff but not at seven in the morning.
This summer I also wanted to take some classes somewhere. Like at MC and stuff? I don't know if just anyone's allowed to go sign up, maybe they have open summer classes or something random. I just want to learn things that I'm actually interested in. Probably five percent of what I've learned in my entire public school education has interested me. And I'd say that three of that five percent was music or theatre related. Thats kind of pathetic. Like I really want to take a class in Russian History or just European History. And I want to take a religions class too. I don't know, maybe in thirty years I'll have time.
I talk about myself a lot but this is my space, you know? I mean I try not to monopolize conversations with other, actual human beings. It gets tiring. Sometimes you just don't give a shit. Stop talking about yourself. This one person, I'm absolutely amazed by her ability to turn every single conversation around to herself. No matter what. From grilled cheese sandwiches to sneakers to outer space, the topic always somehow twists back to her. It's really a skill. I want to cry from frustration sometimes just because every day it's the same things, and I still can find new things to laugh about.
But I'm always thinking- you know, in the future, as this vague time period that has yet to arrive. Someday, I'll lose weight. Someday, I'll learn to drive. Someday I'll ask this guy out, you know? But I need to make things happen myself and stop waiting for life to happen to me.
Dominique- stop making me feel so fucking inferior. That is probably the main thing bothering me right now. I know you don't read this thing but I hope you somehow get a wind of it because I'll get too angry if I try to talk about it with you. Today you interrupted our English presentation to correct me- and we were just joking around, trying to get some extra credit. I wasn't even wrong! My guess is that you just wanted to show off! There was absolutely no reason for you to pipe up about Greek mythology. And you can't even talk, you were sitting in the back working on some science lab thing. You know what? I don't think you're smarter than me. I think you work harder and your speaking vocabulary is bigger than mine. I read a huge assortment of things, I'm not a stupid person. You go out of your way to make other people feel dumb. You always act so superior and aloof and then claim that you feel left out.
Now I'm thinking- is this how I am with some people? I don't mean to be. But I can laugh and have a good time. If my friends are joking and being silly, I don't roll my eyes and say "faaascinating" so damn sarcastically. You are not better than me. Ok? So the next time you feel the need to correct someone, think- does it really matter? At least find a polite way to say it. I really can't stand it when you do that.
Chambers could be so damn amazing if everyone worked really hard. If everyone didn't groan when she starts playing warm-ups, if everyone didn't complain about sight-reading.
Mr. Brodsky was totally being a pedophile today. He was joking around with this girl and she was like "ewww don't hover over me," something I know everyone's been dying to say to him, so he pressed himself against her chair. That man is going to get himself fired someday.
I'm going to spoil my kids so much. I'm going to buy them the best of everything. Or maybe not. I mean kids are just as happy to bang pots and pans around than when you buy them expensive plastic colored shit, you know? I think about kids a lot. I want to find a really good dad. I don't care about looks, but he absolutely must be tall. I don't care, but he needs to be taller than me. I don't think I could stand it otherwise. It's too weird.
If there was one thing I could change about my life it would be my height. Not to have an amazing voice, or to be thin, or have a better figure, or to be a genius or to be rich- because all of those things can change and improve or go away. Height is constant. I hate being so tall. I want to slap every single person who blatantly lies to my face, telling me how it's so damn great to be tall! Yeah well until you're the tallest kid in your school by third grade, until kids on the bus call you "the fifty foot woman", until you get turned down for a lead because of your height you have no fucking idea. There's an awkward moment every single day. Shopping for clothes is hell. Don't tell me you're hard to fit, little miss size eight. Walking down the hall, I'm used to being a head above everybody else. It's not like I'm thin and gorgeous and can be a model. Not like I'm atheletic and can play basketball. At chorus concerts, I feel like everyone is staring at me. Hell, everywhere I feel like everyone is staring at me.
After one of my brother's basketball games, my mother was complaining that the teams were so unfairly matched. "This one boy was absolutely huge!" She cried. "He was at least six inches taller than everyone. They shouldn't have let them play with those boys, it just wasn't fair." Is she a fucking idiot? Has she looked at me lately? People say they want to be tall, but being tall is different than being a freak. Yeah, all teenagers have something physical to complain about right? But you can change pretty much anything, somehow, except how tall you are. Even if you're short you can wear heels. You can dye, cut, straighten and perm your hair. You can get plastic surgery, you can diet, you can wear colored contacts. But what can you do when you're six foot four? Chop off your legs below the knee? And maybe I should be over it now, I've been tall pretty much my whole life. But it just gets worse as time goes on because I realize more every day how much of a freak I am.
Rumor has it we're doing Aida, Songs for a New World and Rent for Hit Parade next year. Great, a whole celebration of groupie shows. I can't wait. If those are the shows, I won't be in it- I'll do crew instead. It won't be worth it.
Another rumor floating around is that we're doing Les Miz for the spring musical. It's been performed by public schools since February, but I think it'd be horrible. No matter what Andy says, we do not have the guy talent. Or, perhaps, the girl talent. Few people can sing Cosette well, and Fantine isn't that popular of a character. You know whats going to happen?
Everyone is going to want to play Eponine.
I remember my days of being an Eponine groupie. You hear "On My Own" and think, my god. That song describes my life so perfectly. I'm feeling this song! She loves a man who doesn't love her back. Wow, that totally relates to my life. Eponine and I? We're like the same person.
Stab me in the eyeball.
Not to mention the numerous other logistic difficulties presented by taking on Les Miz. The set, the orchestration. There are no parts for actors, only singers, which is disappointing for the amazingly talented actresses who might not have really strong voices. Thats a problem we'll run into with Hit Parade as well; doing three entirely sung shows.
I got some costume items. A black and white polka dotted dress (it doesn't look as bad as it sounds, I promise) a long black skirt and two tops to go with it. I still need at least one more dress but my mother doesn't seem to be able to grasp the concept.
My sister came back from cheerleading tryouts just now. What a brat. She makes comments about my weight constantly, and there are really no rebuttles I can offer. Molly and I are going to be the dorky older sisters next year. I can't stand her. Everything she says to me is just dripping with contempt.
Funny, how things you once thought were cute are just a little bit annoying. Who can guess what I'm talking about?
I don't like it when you take a nap and wake up so hot. It feels like a thousand degrees every time I wake up. So for the next hour you're sleepy and hot.
Oh and here is a really interesting article critiquing Rent. I am so sick of that show; unfortunately it's one of the cool musicals among the drama crowd. I think it's funny when suburban Maryland teens try to relate their lives to characters in it. I mean, come on.
It's just been one of those days, I guess you could say. Unfortunately it's also my birthday, leaving me...
I can't really complain because I told people not to get me anything. I also wasn't going around announcing it beforehand and making a big deal out of it, so I honestly have nothing to complain about. But it feels like it wasn't a special day at all. Allison and Tanya made me cookies and cards and Chambers sang Happy Birthday and whatnot. And Amy got me a present. It's not like people ignored me, Andy remembered, and they all wished me happy birthday, well once they realized but..I don't even know what I'm complaining about.
Ok, so theres this girl in my show who is such a spoiled brat. She's eighteen and just really flaky and spoiled. Anyway her birthday was today as well (she's turning eighteen) and she's been going around for over a month, talking about it. She comes in today, literally asking where her presents are- jokingly I guess, but still! And she was talking to people, begging them to tell her where they were taking her out afterwards. And I just sat there, you know. What do you say? So at the end, they brought out this cake, and flowers, and everyone sang to her and I just sat there. And I know I can't complain because I didn't tell anybody. I kind of wish I had. It would have been nice to feel special and selected out and stuff. But I just sat there watching her soak up the attention and I wanted to yell, hey, it's my day too! But I didn't, of course, so I just came home and cried.
The only way to describe it is that I'm heartsick. A lot of little things happened. Just things that aren't going well. My mom is staying with relatives in New Jersey and I don't know when she's coming back. My dad told me that my presents are in my mom's van. They didn't give me anything; didn't make me a cake. I asked my dad if we were doing anything for my birthday and he said he was too busy. No, dad, you mean you're fat and lazy and you'd rather sit there and watch Trading Spaces than make me a fucking cake. It's not even that I care about getting tons of amazing presents, it's just that it was barely even mentioned at home.
God I sound so spoiled.
And today in chambers I just started crying, thinking about the seniors who were leaving. I can't stand it. And there are now *seven* parties that I can't go to because of the show. What the hell. I'm so disappointed.
Then in computer applications we got this big new assignment, where we could work with partners if we wanted. And I'm working alone. I don't have any close friends in that class, I mean I talk to people and stuff, but it was so damn depressing.
Heidi wasn't in school today. She was home sick. I love Heidi to death and I spend so much of my day with her, I really missed her.
It really feels like I'm sick. It's just this aching. I regret not making a bigger deal out of today. You know, sweet sixteen and all of that crap. It's like nothing happened at all. I don't have time to have a party for my friends, today I came home, slept and did homework, went to rehearsal, got home and I just finished doing this French project which I know I'm going to fail because I completely pulled it out of my ass.
They ignore me at rehearsal except for four or five people that I'm slowly getting to be friends with. The director doesn't know my name but knows me well enough to make comments about me being a "fat ass". I hardly have any really close friends at school. Some of the people I love so dearly, I probably will never see again after Friday. I work, I sleep, I study. Afternoons like yesterday happen literally once or twice a year.
Oh, I knew there was something else. The lead did get kicked out- but I didn't get a bigger part. The director thinks it'd be too complicated to change the blocking. Fuck that. I already know the blocking, the notes, I can make all of my cues. I'm so disappointed. And I ran around blabbing my ass off about how I was getting a bigger part. I feel like such an idiot now.
And I have no basis for complaint, because once again, I'm the one who didn't even mention it. I don't know what I expected.
Today was awesome. Humidity can't stop us from having fun, right guys? Heidi and Meredith came over and we hung out on the trampoline. I love that thing. And then I went and painted sets and had very instructive conversations with middle-aged men, which is absolutely the ultimate way to spend a Tuesday evening.
My sister started cheerleading tryouts today. Molly and I will be the unpopular older sisters next year. I can't help but remember my own cheerleading experiance.
Tomorrow I turn sixteen. I generally hate birthdays. There's the awkwardness of presents you don't deserve, don't get, or don't want, among other things. Then the whole year-closer-to-dying factor. I'm not thrilled.
I love the afternoon shift. There's very little actual work involved. Hardly any customers came. I sat and did homework, and read Gone with the Wind. But get this- Amy came to visit me! And it wasn't just that, she stayed and we talked for two straight hours. I can't believe she gave up part of her vacation to keep me company at work. She's absolutely fantastic. After our gossip sessions I always realize how much I love her. She always knows exactly what I mean. We can talk about this whole realm of stuff, from just basic school to outside theatre and stuff. I can't go to anyone else with "theatre problems", or advice for auditions and whatnot. I feel closer to her than a lot of people. We've done a ton of shows together, and we've done a lot outside of school- we know what it's like. Speaking of which I talked to Matt and Casey and a few other people from the cheap youth theatre crowd. It felt refreshing using all of the familiar acronyms and "big names" in a social context again. We all know each other, and pretty much every theatre, and how the little social circles work. It's the whole Broadway Bound clique. Anyway I still can't believe Amy did that. So unbelievably sweet. "Old friends are the best friends."
Alright The Great Santini is an absolutely amazing movie. I lent the book to Christine so I had to settle for second best. The book especially just shoves you into the lives of this family. It's amazing. You know, I'd love to see a stage adaption. Screw it I want to be in a stage adaption! I think Mary Anne Meechum is the coolest role in the world. I'd love to play her so badly. See the movie. You'd want to play it, too. She manages to be so damn annoying and yet endearing at the same time.
Movie plans are canceled. Damn. Hopefully we'll go at some point this weekend, before all of my time is sucked into the vacuum that is a play. (And possibly learning all new blocking.) So I'm here watching tapes of Rosie O' Donnell with my sister. What? Don't give me that look! I can't go on the trampoline cause it rained! Oh, stop it.
Leader or Guardian
Words You Live By: "Taking Care of Business"
Your Leadership Strengths and Style:
Strong-willed and independent
Make decisions with speed and confidence
Intelligent and capable
Enjoy making new friends
You are a born leader who is naturally driven to put your plans into action. You are a very take charge kind of person. You love to find solutions to problems and are good at following through on projects. Your high self-esteem lets you step into leadership roles quite easily.
Let's see, no. I'm bossy, not particularly intelligent, take forever to make decisions (which I tend to regret later anyway) and have low self-esteem. Damn you, Girls Inc! I look to you for guidance and yet you fail me. Oh, and I look like this.
Great. A deformed black dwarf. Just watch my delicate self image crumble around my toe-less, nub-like feet. Actually they offer some twisted advice on their ads. If someone asks you if they look fat, what do you say? According to GI you say "It doesn't matter what you look like, it matters what you feel like." Gee, thanks. Not like you're avoiding the cruel truth or anything. Then the fat girl? Well, darling, shove your whale-like self into a "flattering" wetsuit and canondive into a public pool, splashing everyone within a five mile radius. Well, even the inspiring Girls Inc ads won't get this whale into a bathing suit. I guess I'm not as strong, smart and bold as I thought I was.
This girl in Guys and Dolls might be kicked out, so I might be promoted to be in the Mission Band! This is so cool. It might not even happen but goodness, the Band is so damn cool. They march around playing little instruments trying to get people to stop gambling and drinking and whatnot. They're so earnest, it's really cute. I really hope I get to be in it. Then there won't be any chorus in the show.
I'll write whatever I want here. It's my risk if it offends someone- but you know what? I don't really care that much. I don't want to make a list of things I'm happy about. I wanted to make a list of things I was sad about. Let me wallow in misery in peace. "If there was no sadness we would never understand true happiness" and all of that. I mean if someone told you to stop being happy, you'd think they were freaks- right?
"But- how did they get a yearbook? Is it a senior yearbook? If it's her junior yearbook than why does she have a color picture? But if it's her senior yearbook why do they have it? It's only September!" -Molly
1. Shopping for clothes, regular clothes, is hard enough. Cheap things in "fat-ass" sizes aren't very easily found. Yet imagine if you will, trying to find four authentic-looking outfits from the early 1950's that are still cheap, and huge. It's impossible.
2. African-Americans who constantly play the race card. Yes, there is discrimination against them, but there's discrimination against a whole lot of people. Some might even say that affirmative action is, in itself, discrimination against whites, or males and whatnot. If your black son is suspended from school, it's because he broke someone's arm. Not because he's black. Yes, I'm saying it, black black black black BLACK which leads into...
3. Being politically correct. Should I insist on being called Irish-American or Czechoslovakian-American? Hell no, thats ridiculous. Just because someone is black does not mean they're from Africa.
4. Shirts that say "Boys Lie", "Better Than a Boy", or "I Tease Boys". What the hell? Does that make you empowered or something?
5. Self-centered people. You think you made a great new friend, but oh wait. They just needed to borrow something or get information out of you. Or, they just want to talk about themselves incessently. What a disappointment.
6. False modesty. Martita? Don't ever say "I can't sing" or anything moderately close, because that is a blatant lie. People will compliment you on their own. It's ok. Same with thin girls who complain about being fat.
7. Teenagers who drink. I've talked about this nonstop for ages and it's not going to change anybody's mind, but it makes me unbearably angry.
8. People who try to live vicariously through a television show. For example, a girl wanting to be friends with a gay guy because they like Will and Grace. Amanda feels that pain. (Oh and another thing, while we're on "W&G"- I don't watch it. I never have. Don't assume that everybody does.)
9. The MVA.
10. People that assume we're rich because of where we live. In comparison to the world, yes we're absolutely really wealthy. But not everyone in this area has "parents with three or four PhDs". Not everyone gets everything they want. I mean, we MUST be selfish anyway- because, of course, we're teenagers- but we're also granted every wish because we live in this county, right? Hell no. Take a look outside of your gray and fading mind and look around. Things have changed and they still are.
I'm allergic to cats. My sister is getting a cat. My parents are apparently "making provisions", because of this fact (the fact being that, once again, I am allergic to cats), and yet the aforementioned provisions "don't concern [me]." I'm really not getting any sense of logic in this arrangement. Not to mention that as of last week they wouldn't even let me get a gerbil. I'm absolutely flabbergasted. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Cats are freaky, and scary, and too quiet. They can sneak up on you. They have sharp little claws and teeth and leave hair all over the place.
And some of them are just fucking freaks. And I'm allergic to them, and we're getting one. I can be very selfish, but in this instance, I don't think I'm the problem.
Hey, Molly? I really want to have your brain. Can I borrow it, just for a few hours? (Preferably when I'm taking the SATS.)
So, today out of nowhere, my elderly, squat, gray-aired history teacher tells me to "start focusing on my work, and stop focusing on [her]." Woah- does she think I'm attracted to her? I talked to her about it after class and thats honestly the one thing I can come up with; either that or she just doesn't know how to put it into words otherwise. Wouldn't it be funny if I came to see her privately, and told her I had a crush on her and read her a poem or something? This isn't really what she looks like but you get the picture.
Rehearsal tonight was so much fun. I'm getting closer to some of the people which is good. I'm looking forward to it, even though the girls were taken out of my favorite number. I sing offstage in that, now. So my scene count comes to eight, I believe. I walk across and around the stage in three, sit and watch a dance in two, act drunk and dance in another, sing offstage in one, sing onstage in one. I believe thats it. Not to mention that yes, I do need to get all of my own costume pieces. I asked if she had anything she thought might fit me. "I think I have a scarf." Fantastic. I'm going to have such a huge assortment of costumes by the time I graduate. I'm looking forward to doing a lot more community theatre assuming I get into shows. The thing is, I made this one, so I'll probably get into the chorus of a lot of musicals here. And with every audition, I get a little better. Who knows?
I have nothing to say about this. Except that I completely agree with this man...
"Pfaff attributes the high rate of black expulsions to an influx of black families from San Francisco "who do not understand" Modesto's discipline code, which provides few second chances — just consequences. He has little patience for charges of profiling. "Because we expel more males than females, does it mean that we discriminate against men too?" he asks."
This past day has been entirely miserable. A few big things but a lot of little things.
Last night, rehearsal went well, but the director kind of blew up. He comes in angry. It's not the events of the night that create annoyance in him; he walks in furious, swearing and stomping. Also, tonight we're doing costumes. Fantastic. I'm not easy to fit- oh, excuse me for that enormous understatement. I'm huge, yet kind of shapeless. Absolutely nothing fits me. For the fall show, I spent fifty dollars on a nurse's dress to avoid the embarassment and pain of the usual costuming process. And for this show I need at least three different outfits. Fantastic.
This morning, I failed my learner's permit test again. I was nervous and I rushed, but some of the questions seemed a little random. I don't remember reading about what to do when passing a postal vehicle.
School was just really bad. As usual. But again, little things. In NSL I raised my hand to ask a legitimate, intelligent question, and Mrs. Moore sees my hand up, and says "Marie, is this on-task?" Like I'm five years old. Her definition of "on-task" varies. And when I say it varies, I mean, she can talk about the condiments on her daughter's kitchen table, but we can't stray from paraphrasing the notes she gives us. I was insulted. Whatever.
Then in English Richard was teasing me like he always does, and taking my markers and throwing them at me, and I just lost it and started crying. He found this incredibly amusing and spent the rest of class trying to get me to cry again, which he managed to do.
Then, our bus never came to pick us up afterschool. A few of us took the Ride-On, but Meredith and Heidi were staying after so it was really lonely. I got home an hour later than usual.
And just now, I got offered a babysitting job for tonight that I have to turn down because I can't afford to miss another rehearsal. This normally wouldn't bother me, but this is one of the few families that I really enjoy sitting for. The father passed away a few months ago and I haven't really seen the kids in a long time. I absolutely adore them; and I'm so upset. There are so many people in the neighborhood volunteering left and right to watch the kids; literally they're fighting over them. I really miss them, especially little Grant. He's sweet.
Some good things happened today. I got to miss half of geometry to sing for Kendal's physics project. ("Marie is an alto. Her vocal chords are shorter and thicker than mine, because I'm a soprano. Now we are going to sing...") That was fun. And rehearsal tends to be fun. I hang out with these two older guys, Andy and Alex, and we have fun. As long as I can avoid costumes and the director, it's all good.
Sarah and Amy got into SDT's South Pacific! I'm so happy for both of them. I can't wait for the show (I hope I can go) because I love watching both of them onstage. They're both so expressive. It's so cool. Well off to rehearsal where we're..uhh.."running Act 1." Right.
I'm falling in love with all of these mildly obscure actresses. Now it's Genevieve Bujold. She's completely gorgeous. I love the look that she and Nathalie have; it's so delicate, clean and refined. She plays Anne in one of the best movies ever, Anne of the Thousand Days. It's fantastic. It's very similar to Martin Guerre's style. It's the story of Anne Boleyn and her romance with Henry VIII. It may not be entirely accurate but it's so romantic!
We watched Martin Guerre in French class, and it was so good! Definitely a thousand times better than the musical. I mean, it has some good songs but it butchered the story and characters (hmm, sounds like another musical I know. I shouldn't talk though; I bought the CD today. It's not bad.) Anyway in the movie Bertrande is played so well, the actress's name is Nathalie Baye and she's fantastic! The one bad thing is, they had Gérard Depardieu as Arnaud and he's not exactly inconspicous looking! There are other French actors out there. He played it well, but still, it's not like every guy has that nose. I can't believe he ever passed for Martin. It's a fantastic movie, though. Very romantic and yet subtle. In the musical they just throw themselves at each other, and people set things on fire for no reason. It's a little alarming.
Actually, the movie is extremely different from the musical. It's so understated, very simple. Bertrande and Arnaud have a deep relationship going on. You can tell that their love is intense; it's not "hey, everyone thinks we're married, let's have wild animal sex!" There's no cartoonishly jealous greasy little man out to steal poor little Bertrande away, no stupidly obvious villain. Also in the movie, she has two children, which make the whole thing more compassionate and realistic. She's not unattached. She can't just run away with him, because she has her children- also, one of them is technically a bastard, and not recognized by the church which is an issue. And she's not a little Protestant religious rebel, either. The costumes and makeup are awesome. The director wasn't afraid of a little sweat (actually a lot of sweat) and dirt. It's very earthy and appropriate. And Nathalie is just stunning in the role. The movie is absolutely better than the musical.
We got our yearbooks yesterday. I'm in it more than I expected to be! My head (or parts of it) appears in a lot of random places, like the Humanities page and in the junior section. And Heidi and I are on the bloopers page. Apparently, that photo was staged but I don't even remember it being taken.
So yesterday I was looking through it, and I was just overwhelmed with this huge depressed feeling about all of the seniors that are leaving. Last year I didn't know any very well, but this year I've become closer to a few of them. I could cry thinking about Kendal. She's the sweetest person in the whole world- and she's going to Michigan! I didn't get the chance to know her that well, but still, we're friends. Jessica and Jenny, my goodness. What can I say? They're hysterical. Our adventures have been so fantastic. Jessica, how many milkshake-like beverages have we scrounged up enough money for? Maya, Martita, Scott- what am I going to do without these people?
I'm not a party-type person. I don't get invited, and I don't attend. But I actually got invited to four this upcoming month. For me, that ridiculous. Of course I can't go to two of them because of Guys and Dolls. I was shocked; this morning before work I glanced at the rehearsal schedule, and we don't have rehearsal today! It's fantastic! I like rehearsals, I'm just way too tired.
Everyone, I really want you all to come and see Guys and Dolls. It's honestly a fantastic show. And another thing- according to the little counter, people do come here- please leave comments! I hate seeing the little "comments:0". It's really depressing. Even if you have nothing to say, just say hello or something.
Last night's concert was fantastic! Thats really all I can say. Everything went so well, even Quonium. Afterwards Jessica, Maya and I went to Wendy's (thats classy, folks) and managed to scrounge up enough money for three large Frosty's. It was excellent. I mean, it's just so much fun to be with good people like that. And in a month, I'll probably never see them again. Damn thats depressing.
I'm all caught up with school (except for, um, Profiles in Courage which I have yet to start) but this weekend is going to be very difficult. I'm so unbelievably busy. Why don't I quit my job? I don't know. But I'm babysitting tonight, then rehearsal tomorrow and other crap. I like everything I do- I just like sleeping, too.
It's funny..I'm trying to remember the beginning of the year, and I really can't. I'm thinking in terms of shows, and teachers, but honestly I just can't get it through my head that it's only been a year. So many things have happened and changed. It's really strange.
Wow I'm just in one of those moods where you're on top of the world. I think tonight was the most fun I've ever had performing, except maybe Hit Parade. My voice cracked and I didn't sound great but I just goofed around and had a fantastic time, I think people liked it. Thats always a good thing.
Daniel, Christine, Zia, Deborah, Leah, Sarah, Ronen, Nina, Christina, Sami, Matt, Lauren, Allison, Amanda, Kristen, Jenna, Katie, Jason, Amy, Emily, Tegan, Kendal, Billy, Martita and Tiffany also performed and were fantastic. There were a few moments that I caught, like Christine smoothing her hair back one time, I just thought how beautiful she was. I love Sami's voice like nothing else. Amy and I were talking about it..it's so rich and natural but you still get the diction and clarity. Amy and Jason were adorable. Kendal was amazing, she was the best one there by far. Her lower register is absolutely fantastic! It was just a great, great show.
Tonight was just fantastic! I can't even say how much fun I had. It was absolutely amazing. I haven't performed in such a long time! It also felt so nice to have people clapping just for me. Yeah I guess it's selfish but it's such a rush to have people applauding for you.
Do you act differently around different people? Yes, you do. I promise that you do. I do. I think the one person I know who does this worst is my little sister. She acts sweet and we can hang out and whatnot, but as soon as one of her friends comes over she turns into the valley-girl-on-acid-from-Hell.
Sister: Thats my sister on the PC. [Yes. She said "PC" instead of "computer" because she's that hip.] She's on it 24/7! What a LOSER! [Yeah, she does the hand thing.]
Friend: How old is she?
Sister: Ha, like I REMEMBER!
Sister: I mean seriously, maybe if she got off her ass and did something she would have some friends, or something!
This is followed by a quick succession of giggles that can only be described as piping.
And now I need to get back to my two essays and biolit bingo. Did a science teacher somewhere think that making it "bingo" makes it fun? Because they're wrong.
Come and see Vocal Spotlight tonight at WHS in the commons from 8-9:30 or so. I know a bunch of people that are singing..I am, Christine and Zia, Billy and Martita, Tiffany, Emily, Lauren, Leah, Amanda and Allison, Daniel, Sami, Kendal and many more talented people singing a wide selection of songs. Honestly the variety is fantastic, Kendal's doing "Natural Woman" (I think she looks like Aretha Franklin, don't you?) and Sarah's singing "Cry Me a River", Emily's doing "Imagine" and then there's the usual flood of musical theatre. So please come and see it.
She and I were talking about this in English yesterday. It's one thing to be tired or sick one day and not feel like doing something, but there are people who complain every day. It's worse in Chambers; we literally sit there and sing. Occasionally we stand up, when she's not too tired to argue with people about it. The attitudes suck. We would be so much better if everyone had a great attitude, and came in wanting to work.
Chambers is not a required class. In fact, there are a lot of people who want to be in it, but aren't. You need to audition to get in. No one is being forced to be there.
Ok, in general, people who constantly goof around piss me off. It's one thing when you're with your friends just acting silly for the hell of it. But yesterday during practically every speech, PJ and Matt were messing around, standing right behind the person who was talking. Yeah, it's just for fun but it's not fair. The same thing in Chambers, Nick and Andy are always making asses of themselves. Well Nick does it I guess to get attention, but Andy does it because Nick does. Don't even get me started on Andy.
There's a time for work and a time for play. Rehearsal two nights before the show, Chambers the day before festival, these are times to work.
Wow. I'm really, seriously annoying. Can you believe I'm saying this stuff? I'm such a mother. (As in parent, not "mofo" as Andy might say. Though that too.)
Luckily, just as I start getting sick of routine..life changes. It's funny how things work out. Just little things. School is almost over and our manager sold the franchise to someone else so I have a new boss.
Amy was elected drama club secretary. I'm happy for her, but I won't pretend I didn't care about it. Zia got President, Sarah got VP, Ashley got Treasurer and I think Cara and PJ got Public Relations. Hopefully Drama Club will be more involved next year (for lack of better phrasing.)
Tonight I'm going to work on sets for Guys and Dolls and I'm not that excited. With the musical I went in just to see what I could do, and if I messed up- you know, it's just high school. (God, how many times have I heard that phrase in the past year?) But this time it's like I'm the only kid, the one to blame when things are fucked up. Hopefully nothing will get fucked up and it won't even be a concern.
An old friend, gone. Harry Senate. Did we ever really know you? We know your father is in prison. We've been through so much together. When he fired his gun in the classroom. When he kissed Dana Poole. Then he saw her stripping. Then he started dating her. When he suspected that Milton Buttle and Lisa Greer were sleeping together. When he started the Suicide Club, and made a mockery of the Winslow High School chapter of the NRA. I'll miss him very dearly. And the irony- stabbed by the brother of his favorite student. Damn you, Jamal! Why couldn't you have forged a bizarre, vaguely sexual relationship with a lesser educator. Now he's gone forever. But in his passing, we remember his wisdom, his mourning of the restraints that kept him from being the absolute best that he could be.
I got my pictures back- from New York, Brigadoon, Chambers pickups and totally random days when I felt like taking pictures. They're a pain to download, so this is all for now. I know you all want more. (There are actually some other pictures, look under "personal" to your right.)
The only reason that I would ever live somewhere hot is because I would be able to wear flip-flop sandals all of the time. They are the best show in the world. Despite the fact that it is so damn hard to find shoes that fit, they are just unbearably addictive. So cheap, so plentiful, so colorful- like little candies you can wear. Oh, to wear flip-flops twelve months a year.
Marie: So, did you figure out how to kill people on The Sims yet?
Molly: Yeah. I took the ladder out of the pool. They get tired and drown.
Marie: Cool. And where's the annoying baby?
Molly: Social Services took it away. I kind of wanted it to die though.
Molly: I did kill someone today. I made them drown. Then I sold the tombstone.
Marie: Oh my God...
Molly: What? We needed the money! None of them work! All they want to do is sleep and pee on the floor!
There's a month until the show opens, then it runs for five weeks, so we still have awhile to go. I hope my friends come to see it. I think it's cool that I got in. Though I'm curious as to why. Honestly. This isn't even a self-esteem thing, it's a logic thing. You'll understand what I mean when you come to see the show. Which you most definitely should! I'm trying to get a little image thing up for advertising.
Holy crap! They just posted the new season and it's so awesome! Two musicals; Cinderella (meh) and Evita (hmm). I don't know any of the plays but I hope I get into something there next year.
So I'm here waiting for darling Ashley to come bring me to the concert tonight, looking at Brigadoon pictures. We're singing at the state Daughters of the American Revolution convention, ooh la la. I'm actually looking forward to it; we haven't sung real things in a while. Our concert is on Thursday, with vocal spotlight on Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it so much! Except I miss more rehearsals because of it. Either I have absolutely nothing to do, or way too much, it's annoying.
"I've always been dissatisfied. But I find that lately I reek of discontentment. It grasps my heart, and fills my lungs. And sometimes, Abigail, I feel that there is no longer a dream." - John Adams, 1776
Another day. I bought The Great Santini and stupid Profiles in Courage. Ugh I can't stand it! It's so frustrating! So many projects. And I stayed after to help Mr. Brodsky "tie up some loose ends from the show." Hooray. But alright, Santini is one of the best stories in the world. It's also a movie. The movie is actually decent! It's perfectly cast.
Why is there such an abundance of lesbian poetry and I can't find this one, simple classic poem on the internet?
Why do lesbians need their own poetry? Or is it just poetry written by women who happen to be lesbians? Can a man be a lesbian? If a man has an identity of a woman, and that transgender (is that right? probably not) is attracted to women, does that make the man a lesbian?
Does anyone know a poem that starts out "The golden girls of summers whirl through sun-spun bright Julys"? I think it's called Siaconset Song. Damn search engines. You failed me, Mr. Brodsky. Once again, you have failed me miserably.
I don't need to worry about getting my permit. I didn't even care until my friends started obsessing about it. Yes, it'd make getting to rehearsal a hell of a lot easier (obviously) but it doesn't matter all that much. Why am I so eager to have it? So I can learn to drive, so I can go and buy fast food every day and stop and pick up a few things, and spend all of my money and get fat? Because thats what's going to end up happening. It's ok not to obsess about learning to drive.
It's also ok to not obsess about relationships. Whats the rush to have a boyfriend? Why is it so fucking important? There's no reason. If you like someone (and hell yes, I do) thats one thing. It's ok not to obsess about getting a boyfriend.
Oh, the drama crowd. I was thinking about comments that Sarah Anne has been making, about it being "home", about how great it is, "living in the auditorium." Just this essence of how comfortable the theatre group is.
There are a lot of people who treat it like that- like a family, such a close-knit group. They "live" in the chorus room, or backstage. And thats great. Thats fantastic. But having such a close-knit group, while making life wonderful for some, makes it horrible for those who are shut out of it.
A family? Whatever. Thats the most fucked up thing I've ever heard. This group lies, cheats, backstabs- not as a whole, but practically everyone. Myself included; I'm just saying. People are pretentious and fake. Ironically, those who constantly preach about being real, and being yourself, seem to be just the opposite to a huge extent.
The same people that are so warm and accepting one day might completely ignore you the next day. They might torment you behind your back, express hatred, even jokingly talk about killing you, because you perspired excessively one particular day. I did the same exact things, and I'm still mean and I still gossip. But I try to stop, and I don't try to get into that "family" anymore.
Girls hug each other, and exchange friendly greetings, make smalltalk, make plans for the weekend- then they'll walk away from each other and complain about how much they hate the other girl.
It's only a family until you don't matter anymore. Then they'll make fun of you. People that you think are your close friends are probably talking shit about you. Yep, right now. The whole drama crowd. It's absolutely ridiculous. Theatre is an allusion. The suspension of belief is what makes it possible. Does that really need to apply backstage as well? It's ok not to obsess about fitting in with a certain group. Because frankly, it's a load of shit.
And you know what? Someone is going to leave a comment, or email me, saying "you're right- it doesn't matter! Thats why the theatre group is so great, you don't have to worry about fitting in." Bullshit.
But it's ok.
There are so many things I'd like to say to my parents. I sat there and almost cried, watching Mrs. Ingram and her daughters on the New York trip. The way they joked with each other, how she hugged them and stroked their hair and just looked at them with this look of absolute adoration. Did my mom do that when I was younger? Or was she really stressed out and miserable then, too, and I just can't remember it.
Thats what I want. I want to have kids, a whole lot, as many as God thinks I should have (or deserve?) Because there's nothing I want more, than to have someone to take care of and love. To have a real relationship. I don't care about a job, a fancy car, making a lot of money. I really just want a family.
Heidi, you are the best friend in the whole world. You're so funny, smart, and you're always there. I'm sorry that you're stressed out. School does suck sometimes. But summers almost here, and you'll learn to drive, and go to London and have an amazing time so just think of that. If you're reading this, and you aren't Heidi, then you need to get to know her (if you already don't.) We have so many inside jokes together. It's impossible to be with her and not have a good time. Cheer up Heidi! I love you! (In deaf voice.) Thanks for keeping me sane.
And Chris. Dude, we're not that close, but talking about guys brings us together, right? I can always count on you and Kathy for a support group in biology.
And this is just funny.
sweatinangel: do you want a hamster>?
marvajila: hell yes
marvajila: how can I say no?
sweatinangel: for real?
marvajila: trying to get rid of the babies?
sweatinangel: cause we really need to get rid of them, there are 6 ready to go away, and 11 more newborns
marvajila: I want one
sweatinangel: stop by anytime! for real we need to find them homes
marvajila: Damn, this is the best night of my life
marvajila: I'll talk to John about it more tomorrow
Auto response from sweatinangel: if you want a hamster *and i know that you really really do* we have six 4-5 week old ones that need to find good homes.... and in about 21 days the 11 newborns will need homes too! marvajila: can I put this conversation on my website?
A friendly face, the kind of face,
That melts you with a grin,
The kind of eyes that welcome you
The minute you walk in,
A tender glance you simply can't refuse
At times like this, a girl could use a dog.
He'd listen when you tell him things
There's nothing you can't say
And unlike certain people
You can teach him how to stay
And if the world is giving you the blues
He cheers you up, by chewing up the news
It's things like that that make you choose a dog.
Other people need romance, dancing, playing around,
other people need constant fun, well I'm not one!
I have my feet on the ground!
Give me a quiet night, a stack of books,
A tuna melt on rye
A simple walk together,
underneath a starry sky,
And suddenly the night is something rare
And all because there's someone special there
Who's gazing at the views
His head upon your shoes
At times like this, I sure could use a dog."
Come see Vocal Spotlight, please! It will be absolutely fantastic. And I'm going to make a fool of myself by singing the dog song, above. However you will also be able to enjoy real music, such as Christine and Zia singing "I'd Give It All For You" and Lauren, with "Tell Me on a Sunday".
So, I'm innocently glancing around amazon.com when I see that BTN is available! At Amazon! How completely fantastic is that? For those of you who still aren't reveling in pre-teen nostalgia, you can go read the first eighteen chapters here, but you need to buy the book (or borrow mine) to fully enjoy the spectrum of this literary phenomenon.
I'm so glad I didn't go to work today; I slept for the longest time. I can't find my backpack so I can't do my homework; what a supreme disappointment.
We went to this restaurant in Little Italy, and this guy played music and we had a sing-along. "Everybody say boo-ya!" It was fun. Then last night we went to this themed place, where characters came up and did stuff for a really long time.
I thought it was stupid. I felt out of the teen girl loop the whole trip. Starting with the bus ride; the whole group was trying to connect people by who they've hooked up with. That was really fascinating conversation. Then Aida. I'm not an Adam Pascal fan; I think I'm the only one. And then we got to watch Andy get spanked, at the Jekyll and Hyde place. It was incredibly stupid. I know pretty much everyone else loved it.
I'm not trying to be a bad sport. According to Becky, "some people still seem to not have fun even when the rest of the world is". Everyone has a different idea of fun. My idea of fun does not involve watching Andy get spanked, or Mrs. Ingram getting a lap dance- I think it's stupid. I can be happy and high spirited, thanks, but spending hours discussing who has hooked up with who just doesn't strike me as fun. I know I'm not alone in this.
God, it was seriously the best Les Miz I've seen, and I've only seen three but still. The Thenardiers were so funny, they did a lot of little things outside the regular blocking, little character stuff. J. Mark Mcvey (JVJ) was fantastic, his voice was amazing. He's the best JVJ I've ever heard/seen; even more than Colm Wilkinson or Gary Morris, the two big ones. We had an understudy Javert; we saw Robert Hunt instead of Philip Hernandez. I thought he did a really great job; he was amazingly strong vocally. I think there were some logistical quirks in blocking and stuff. The Fantine..eh..I think it was just an off day for her, it was obvious that she had vocal ability but she didn't showcase it all that well. The Cosette was great, I loved her. Marius was the best (besides Michael Ball of course).
My two favorites were the Enjolras (Christopher Mark Peterson) and Eponine (Diana Kaarina). I was worried about Enjolras; he has some hard shit to handle, but he did it so well! The most important line (the way I see it) is right before the final battle, when he sings "let others rise to take our place until the earth is free," and "let others rise" is so hard to pull off. He just let go, and it was fantastic!
Diana, Diana, Diana. She's my favorite. I'm putting her above Lea Salonga. She was so cute! She played it like a tomboy, which is how the novel is. More tomboy than sex-kitten which is what some of them do. Her singing was amazing, her "I have never known" was the best! And she's so gorgeous. And as an actress she's so accessible; I've talked to her for maybe three minutes total (lol) but she is so sweet and charming. She's the coolest. I'd love to see her in another role!
Well I just got home, and I have so much to say about the trip, but suffice it to say that this weekend has probably been the best few days of my life. The three best parts were as follows:
1) The people! I stuck with John, Jessica, Leslie and Jenny for most of the time. They are the funniest, sweetest people in the world. Er, and um, Callie, Polly, and Taylor (the chaperone's children). They told me I sounded like their guidance counselor. Uh how should I take that?
2) Visiting Saint Patrick's Cathedral. It's the most beautiful place I've ever seen. We stayed for about an hour but I could have stayed all day long. It's just indescribable..if you've been there, you know what I mean..and if you don't well then I'm just really bizzare!
3) Seeing Les Miserables, and meeting Diana Kaarina for the second time. I was falling apart during the show, and there was a whole big thing with going to the stage door- but then, I saw Diana, and talked, got a picture and autograph. Oh, and by talked, I meant I trembled and stuttered while she tried to run, run from her stalker-fan. I'll do a huge review/critique of Les Miz at some point, but Diana was gorgeous. It's kind of weird because I've been in love her her since eighth grade, and no one else even knew who she was, really. Andy didn't even like her, but now he's completely in love with her too. (Les Miz was so damn close to perfect! But it's so late; more tomorrow..)
I saw Diana Kaarina! Thats kind of all I wanted to do.
(Just a note: you drink because your friends do. Not because it's an escape, not because it's reliable, chances are you drink to fit in. Thats pretty much it.)
Let me just say that not all teenagers drink. I don't, almost all of my friends don't. It's horrible, how many people our age do things like that, and guess what I don't think I'm overreacting.
I had an email discussion with Becky about this. I told her, that if I didn't care about the drama and music department I would report everyone I knew who did things like that. Interestingly enough, she didn't reply. Experimenting once or twice is bad enough. Can't it wait, can't you wait until it's legal? Oh wait, weed isn't legal for anyone.
When "having a few drinks" puts you in a better mood, when you drink to escape, thats not just experimenting.
Take a self-mutilator, lets say a teenage girl for instance. They make a few sharp cuts in their arms, once or twice a week at most. A lot of people don't understand cutting. It's complicated. But for someone who does it, it helps them to escape. Being able to control the pain is relaxing. It's like a sedative, or a depressant, or alcohol. It makes them feel better. But later, they feel the pain that they could ignore then they inflicted it on themselves. They're hurting themselves, and rising their lives.
Then take a teenager who drinks. They drink, once or twice a week at most, just to escape. They binge, get wasted. The next day, they feel awful, migraines and nausea and whatnot. But at the time, drinking made them feel better. It's relaxing, it's a depressant- like cutting. They are hurting themselves, and risking their lives.
If you think of a teenager who drinks, do you think "Oh, it's normal! They're only teenagers! They're having fun. Don't all of the kids do it?"
But if you see the scars on someone's arm, you think "My god..she must be insane. What the hell is wrong with her? Is she crazy?"
Which is worse? Leave some thoughts.
Edited to add: And another thing! Teachers are obligated to report if they suspect or know a student is cutting. They're also obligated to report drinking and drug use- aren't they? Why don't they? Please leave comments, this is really getting into my head.
We got this enormous website assignment in computer applications about five weeks ago, and we've had five weeks of class time to do it. Now it's due Friday and I'm not done, and it's frustrating. Of course the only person I have to blame is myself; I spent half the time amusing myself with mindless distractions. I can't do anything at home, it's just formatting and whatnot. Not to mention I missed school again yesterday; making my make-up work even more of an issue, not to mention tests and quizzes. This school week sucks.
You know what? I'm not even looking forward to the NY trip anymore. Yeah, we're seeing Les Miz, but goodness I don't know. I'm not a vacation person, or a crowd person (or currently a person-person.) I don't even know one of the girls in my room. And it screws up my schedule, and I miss more school. (I think only I could find cause to complain about this trip.)
"But there never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you find them..." -Time in a Bottle